I wish I didn’t always end up believing the worst, in people, in things, in situations. It’s a natural reaction I find myself trying to manage and curb. Most times I put myself through an entire emotional upheaval before I can rationally talk myself through to reassurance. To believe that everything is held in control and that the best outcome will come to pass.
I don’t know when I substituted faith for doubt, ‘no’es for ‘yes’es or trust for distrust. Despite the ‘no’es always turning out to be bigger ‘yes’es. I wonder how much proof I will need to reverse this cycle, but deep down know none will ever be enough. As it always is, its faith that matters. And that I find hard to do, because its concerned wholly with being, rather than doing.
Someone once told me about the fear of growing closer to God because it seemed that people who grew closer to God would have something precious taken away from them. And yet to have to still believe when all things don’t make sense and the skies remain closed silent for yet another day, month, year…
Sometimes I do wonder what I’m holding out for.
Sometimes I get angry, impatient and disillusioned.
Sometimes I fall, I falter.
But yet, sometimes I get an answer, so simply profound.
And that keeps me going, I’m here for the long haul.
