Because I guess when there are people involved, typical days don’t exist. Each day brings with it its own challenges, surprises and lessons. But there are little routines that I enjoy each day.
1) Cheerfully greeting the guard at the main gate each day. I’m almost chirpy.
2) Hoping that someone gets in the same time as me, so I can get in. And don’t bashfully have to tell the friendly guards that I don’t need to wait in the volunteer’s lounge.
3) Starting and going through each day with Class 95FM – From the Morning Express with Flying D to Cartunes. The radio is my timekeeper since I’ve never got down to wearing a watch even though everyday at about 11:17am, I tell myself that I’m going to wear a watch tomorrow. But I’m beginning to fall in love with radio music all over again, I don’t even remember what made me stop for years. Plus I’m too old for 98.7FM, while Class95FM has all the songs that I know, the songs that are old-skool!
4) Abstaining from all temptation to snack between meals, especially when the food is crazy cheap. I compensate with my multiple caffeine fixes throughout the day (starting at 6am). I’ve gotten so guilty I now end the day with a cup of Horlicks, so I guess that is good, a step towards positive change or alleviating guilt, rather.
5) Extremely long lunches out, accompanied with just a little shopping, errand-running, self-care or whatever you call it.
The really nice thing about being an intern for such a short period of time is that I’ve completed the tiny project assigned to me and apparently there is nothing else that they want me to do. Except to sit, shut up and look pretty – till I get to tag along for sessions. It’s great though, because I’ve accomplished much reading these past two days. Just today, I was able to plough through more than half of a social psychology textbook, which really doesn’t constitute light reading but I’m trying to at least read stuff that seems related. Although, I’m sure they’ll be fine with me reading anything as long as I don’t bug them or create more work for them.
I got to sit in for one of the mid-evaluation sessions where the facilitator had to translate the questions into chinese, and gosh, it was a next to impossible task. Although I heard that translation for this was easier than the initial evaluation where one of the questions involved translating something about reading a sexy book in Chinese.
Before the session, my supervisor (I think I have two.) was sharing with me about the different groups that she has taken thus far and how often the hardest participants undergo the most change in the course of the programme. She specifically mentioned the language barrier she faced and how she felt guilty for shortchanging them, in terms of the concepts and skills. It touched her when they simply told her that her efforts in trying so hard to reach out and help them, that knowing that was enough for them. It reminded me of CP and how despite the pair of us being so terrible at Chinese, it was our heart, the simple gestures of love and care that made a difference, and paid off last Christmas. I guess I will never have all the right words, never have sufficient knowledge to deal with human complexity but I guess it’s about being genuine, being true and being willing to simply reach out in love. I’m beginning to see the sense of fulfillment that she was talking about.
Social psychology sheds light on the games that we play, of non-zero sum games. Where each is a diabolical social trap that shows how, even when individuals behave “rationally”, harm can result. Simply because there are some things that are beautiful precisely because they are irrational. When I heard of the account of one, who felt helpless upon seeing his wife slip further into addiction and being unable to help, chose the little that he could do – to simply share in the experience of her suffering. However unethical, however irrational, I’ll have to say that it moves me.
I have no regrets that the glass case is shattered. I tried desperately to find that strange protective comfort once again, as I closed my eyes and swung high suspended on the chains of the swing. I won’t pretend that I don’t miss it, but there are some things we grow too wide for. (that probably applies in a physical sense as well.)
And now I have to retire, because I finally succeeded at my 6am mornings, the offering of the first hours, the first fruits of each day and reaping the fruits of simple dedication. I do hope to keep it up and establish a waking time that I can commit to.
Plus, I finally got back to running, after using work as an excuse for my sloth-like behaviour these past few weeks. All in all, it has been a good day for starting over. I know I’m starting late in the resolution department this year, but I do pray to get it right this time.
